return my video game
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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