So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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