She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
