"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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