Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
