I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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