Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
