you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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