and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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