What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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