i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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