ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Randomize
