I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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