I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
