Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?