I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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