I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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