Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?