Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.