I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
