If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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