I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
