I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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