i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
