Got a toothbrush?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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