i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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