3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
there's paper in my vomit.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
