pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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