sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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