I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
