Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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