i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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