it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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