I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
