I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
