im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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