so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
