If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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