My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
