Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
