i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize