Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
