When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
