I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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