There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
