I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
