i would punch a child for taco bell
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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