my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
