Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
