I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
