your parents love me but you hate me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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