i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
