nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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