Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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