with your own penis?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
