she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
