batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
