I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
