i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
