he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
