this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
