He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we're making bets on your personal life
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
