I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
